I cant believe it has actually been 6 months since I have last posted. Wow. Time really flew. It’s finally a new year and from what I’ve seen 2017 was pretty much a rough one for everyone. I have so many drafts of me starting post and not being able to finish them. Do you remember when you were little, and you wanted to climb the biggest tree in your yard, just for the thrill of climbing? So you would go and try to climb the tree? But you wouldnt make it to the top before you fell? And it was never a clean fall. You would scrape your leg as you fell to the ground? And you would run to your mom crying, for her to bandage you up. And you survived the fall ( Well of course you survived because this is literally just a tree fall and its not that deep) but you were still really banged up? And occasionally you would lift your band aid to check your scar, and you would be disappointed everytime because you still hadn’t healed. Even tho you thought you felt better you still hadn’t healed. That would be the perfect way to describe my life and me blogging last year. ( Im a little high right now…but this legit feels like the best reference so score one for me)
The scary thing about life…..I wont say life I’ll be specific and say my life, but the scariest thing is the search for perfection and how much that fuels so many of your life’s decisions. I remember moments last year, where it literally was a task for me to leave my room. I would literally wake up and immediately have an ominous feeling about my day…..waiting for the bullshit…..and more often than not she came ( she usually brought friends). I remember those moments of extreme social anxiety ( Im honestly still dealing with this) or those moments where I would sneak off to restrooms and pray there was some sort of private stall so I could have my brief panic attack, and be able to continue on with whatever my task or activity was. Or moments I would sit at dinner tables and use the menu to fan, telling my friends I was hot, when in reality I was actually trying to keep tears from falling down my face. The scary part about all of that ( Yes. All of that and we still haven’t gotten to the scary part) was the effort I placed in making sure the perception of me was that none of this was happening. I can vividly remember soooooo many moments of me sitting in my car, having a moment ( close friends know when I say moment Im referring to one of those breakdowns) then staring myself in the mirror and saying ” BITCH! Pull it together” …and I would immediately hop on social media and post a selfie…..or some sort of post about something I had accomplished.
But why? Why do we chase the idea of perfection? I know for me, there were so many factors. ” If I look like I have it all together the guy will want me” ” If I look like I have it all together I’ll get that next booking” ” As long as I look like I have it together these bitches will know they cant take me” ( SideBar: I remember driving down Lindell, tweeting Nicki Minaj lyrics with that last quote in mind while also bragging about god knows what. Lord forgive me lol) But the reality is….its perfectly fine not being perfect. Not even that…..but the fact that you have to accept that you can be the best possible version of whatever it is that you are trying to project…and it still just not be good enough. You still wont get the guy, you still wont the job, you still will have bad days, you still will lose friends. Its all gonna happen. And also accepting that everyday isn’t gonna be perfect. There are days when I just want to pull my cover over head and have absolutely no interaction with any living being. THAT IS OK! In coming out of that rut ( I wont call it a depression because I feel like that would be an insult to those who really suffer with depression) I decided that my most prevalent need in life is to just be ok. You know how you’ll go to your local grocery store and see a stranger…and they’ll greet you with the generically kind ” Hi how are you” it wasnt until recently that my equally generic ” Im fine and yourself” was an accurate description of my feelings.
So in 2018….I dont have a resolution ( I honestly find them so tacky) but my number one goal is to continue to be OK. And be ok with being just OK. That sounds so simple…..but I know from experience it will be a task.
Here’s what I was listening to as I wrote this post. ( We’re definitely still doing these this year)