Wow. This will probably be one of my shortest posts ever (Update: I lied..I started and literally couldnt stop, now im cleaning off the tears from my laptop screen) . I feel like in life we all deserve the opportunity to seek our happiness. We deserve the chance to seek love, to be love, to give love. I……It hurts when that intention is tainted. In life I understand everything doesn’t always shake out the way we want, like I get that shit happens. I think what gets me, is when ….hmmm…….I hate…….Imagine you like someone right? Imagine……wait let me back up.
Imagine there’s this person, you always found them attractive, you guys get to know each other become friends, and you start having these feelings. Right? You tell yourself you dont deserve to have these feelings, this person is out of your league, you tell yourself you dont like this person, you suppress those feelings. In the midst of you having this internal war with yourself, that friendship begins getting attacked from outside sources. You move on…….still evaluating your feelings, still suppressing them. You decide that, you know what? I would rather have this person in my life as a friend rather than complicate things with my feelings. Right? You continue in this friendship, with this mindset, but honestly the friendship hasnt healed from the previous attack. Fast forward, some more things come up, again attacking the friendship. And Again, And Again, at this point, there have been so many outside influences, your lost, your hurt, your spending days trying to evaluate your feelings. You tell yourself you wont push the issue of your feelings, but you’ll just do things to showcase your amazing qualities ( Because at your core, no matter what YOUR AN AMAZING fucking person). You also decide you’ll be whatever to this person, whatever they need you to be. More shit comes up….more attacks. And then finally the friendship ends. Your chance at happiness gone. Your feelings shattered. And you can’t help but feel like….you never even had a fair shot. I mean you entered this situation with the most genuine intentions, now those are being questioned. Months of bullshit. Hours of tears. And for what? To end up heartbroken, and alone.
Then you cant verbalize how you feel. I mean who are you to have these feelings? What made YOU of all people think you were gonna get anywhere in the first place right? You clearly dont deserve your chance at happiness. Or at least that’s how others look at you. That was the source of the earlier attacks. And now what? You have amazing things happen in life, and the friend you used to rush and share with. Gone. You have business decisions to make, and the one friend you trusted the most to guide you in the right direction. Gone. And society is gonna say…you’ll be ok. Move on. But it’s not that simple. It’s not that easy a task. And again , you can’t really explain it to anyone. Remember , who are you to have wanted happiness. Who are you to have THOUGHT that, this specific happiness would ever beseech you? You never deserved this happiness. This happiness was never yours to attempt to claim. Or at least you were never gonna get a fair shot. Because they said so.
I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Everyone deserves a fair shot at seeking happiness, and that happiness shouldnt be subject to outside views.
Here’s what I was listening to: