How I have missed you, I hate these extended breaks I keep taking from writing. I also hate people who blame everything on being busy. Only I really relate to that , where I currently am in my life. I wanna share a recent event I experienced, and an epiphany I had.
So…I’m not sure why but I’ve been in this sort of funk here recently ( Im lying I know exactly why 😂😩) however I’m not at liberty to discuss. This rut has made my confidence and self esteem drop tremendously. 🤔 Actually tremendously may be a tad dramatic but I digress. Any ways so I haven’t been feeling my jussh as of late. Anyone who knows me knows I’m like the self empowerment king lol, but I haven’t been giving myself that as of late. So I told myself , I was gonna be proactive and do something’s to make myself feel better. Nothing heals a low self esteem moment like some good old fashioned ATTENTION. So I decided to open my social media DM’s and engage in a conversation. This conversation lead to a meet-up ….( obviously I’m sparing the non essential details) so In seeking this attention , I may or may not have lead my suitor to believe that I was extremely interested in a particular moment. And in hindsight I think I was. Moving on ….so I arrive at my destination and things are going fine. Until the conversation begins turning physical. I’ve literally never felt so uncomfortable before in my life. So I stop. I apologize and I leave. ( Again I skipped some non essential details) in my drive home I seriously thought of what I had just done and how far out of my comfort zone it was. I literally broke out in hives at the thought of my actions. I let my lack of ” self esteem” allow me to make an extremely irrational decision , which honestly could have put me in danger.
Apart from that however, I think I have come to the conclusion that the hookup lifestyle isn’t for me ( this is the point of this post lol) in an age where sex and hookups are literally a click away , I don’t think I’m ready for all of that. I crave true love, personal connections, and fulfillment. I literally fantasize about my wedding & my future life w/ children & etc. 100x more than I have ever thought about sexual desires. Maybe I’m weird , even in relationships sex is never THAT important. I just want love. After that experience I think I’m just ready for whatever true love life sends me. No rushing, No shortcuts. Just love. ❤️
Here’s what I was playing: